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Coping with a Loss
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Coping with a Catastrophe
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Coping With Loss:
Bereavement and Grief
Coping With Loss
The loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you experience bereavement, which literally means “to be deprived by death.”
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Knowing What to Expect
When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.
Some emotions you may experience include:
- Denial
- Disbelief
- Confusion
- Shock
- Sadness
- Yearning
- Anger
- Humiliation
- Despair
- Guilt
These feelings are normal and common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. But be assured that these feelings are healthy and appropriate and will help you come to terms with your loss.
Remember — It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life. (Included in a call out box)
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Mourning a Loved One
It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. You will mourn and grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Mourning may include religious traditions honoring the dead or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning is personal and may last months or years.
Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For instance, crying is a physical expression, while depression is a psychological expression.
It is very important to allow yourself to express these feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.
Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms of acute grief. Of all life’s stresses, mourning can seriously test your natural defense systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new conditions may develop.
Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a common reaction to death.
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Dealing with a Major Loss
The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions are also influenced by your relationship with the person who died.
A child’s death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice — for lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the child’s death, no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel that they have lost a vital part of their own identity.
A spouse’s death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause a potential financial crisis if the spouse was the family’s main income source. The death may necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life and maybe even return to work.
Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of loneliness may be compounded by the death of close friends.
A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear. They may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. Survivors may even feel responsible for the death. Seeking counseling during the first weeks after the suicide is particularly beneficial and advisable.
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Living with Grief
Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain.
Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.
Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process.
Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.
Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss.
Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.
Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help work through your grief. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.
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Helping Others Grieve
If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.
Share the sorrow. Allow them — even encourage them — to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.
Don’t offer false comfort. It doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
Offer practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
Be patient. Remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk.
Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.
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Helping Children Grieve
Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent’s death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent’s display of grief.
Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.
Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.
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Looking to the Future
Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.
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Other Resources:
Information for those who lost loved ones
For additional resources, please call the National Mental Health Association at 1-800-969-NMHA.
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Coping With Catastrophe
After a Fire
Once the blaze is out and the firefighters have left, you'll have to decide quickly whether or not you can do the cleanup work yourself. If the damage appears extensive, leave everything as is. Then call your insurance agent immediately so the damage can be documented and professionally repaired.
But if the fire was limited to one room and damage is minimal, you can probably proceed on your own.
- Use a shop vacuum to remove the dry soot and any chemical residue left from fire extinguishers. If possible, open windows and doors so fresh air can circulate through the house and dissipate the smell of smoke. Use a room deodorizer to mask the smell until it's gone. Clothing, carpets, and other furnishings might require professional cleaning to eliminate the smoke odor.
- Thanks to their extra-soft surface, dry-cleaning sponges are ideal for removing loose soot particles from latex paint, blown ceilings, and acoustic tiles. They're available through cleaning- and paint-supply outlets for about $5. Do not use household cleaners on these surfaces. The sponge should be used dry. Wipe the ceiling first, since debris tends to drop downward. Then work on the walls, moving from top to bottom using straight, parallel strokes that overlap a bit. When the surface of the sponge becomes sooty, simply skim it off with a knife to give the sponge a new cleaning surface. Dry-cleaning sponges aren't recommended for oil-based paint, acrylic paint, or vinyl wallpaper, or for removing the greasy soot sometimes left by kitchen fires. Instead, use a regular sponge and pine-scented cleaner. Be sure to remove all the soot. The more you get rid of, the faster the smoke smell it contains will dissipate.
- Even if the damage is heavy and you have filed a claim with your insurance company, you'll still have a mess on your hands. Fortunately, there are services that specialize in post fire cleanup work. Check the yellow pages, under "Fire & Water Damage Restoration." You can also contact several organizations that provide references. Professionals are especially skilled at eliminating the smoky odor that lingers after a fire. Their cleanup arsenal includes ozone generators and special deodorizing chemicals unavailable to consumers.
- After a serious fire, you might have to move out of the house during cleanup and repairs. If so, be sure to board up broken windows and other holes. Remove any valuables you can. And consider hiring a security service to keep an eye on your home.
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After a Burglary
The shock of coming home and discovering you've been robbed can blind you to the fact that you could be in danger. "The thief might still be inside your home, armed and dangerous," says Morton Feldman, executive vice president of the Washington, D.C.-based National Association of Chiefs of Police. "The best policy is to back right out of there, go to a neighbor's home and call 911."
There are other ways you can protect your family after a break-in and help prevent another one. The right steps will also boost the odds that the police will nab the thieves and recover all or some of your valuables.
- Never use your own phone to call the police. Thieves sometimes make phone calls from the house they rob, leaving prints on the receiver and a traceable redial number. Burglars have even been known to watch television, take naps, and raid the refrigerator. So don't move or touch anything until the police arrive.
- After the police secure your property, you'll be asked to provide a list of what's missing and, if possible, receipts. You'll also need that list for your insurer when you file your claim.
- Once the police determine the point of entry, quickly repair any damage and beef up security at these locations.
Then give your entire home a thorough security check and make any necessary changes now. Most robberies are crimes of opportunity. Protect your home by installing 1-inch-long dead bolts that meet ANSI Grade 2 standards on all entry doors. Supplement the sash locks on your windows with locks that must be opened with a key. Second-story windows should also be secured. And be sure to eliminate branches or trellises that give access to second-story entry points.
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After a Plumbing Leak
Obviously, you'll want to begin by turning off the water in the supply line that feeds the leaking pipe or fixture. But what if the point of the leak is hidden, or there's no valve in the branch line? Then you'll have to shut off water to the entire house.
- In cold climates, the main shutoff valve is usually in the basement or utility room, close by the wall where the service pipe enters. In climates where there's no danger of freezing, the shutoff might be outdoors. On private well systems, look for the valve on the supply line coming out of the pressurized storage tank.
- If the shutoff valve won't close, call your local city water authority immediately so water can be turned off at the main. If you have a pumped well system, shut off electricity to the pump and call a plumber or well technician.
- If the water has risen above electrical cords or outlets, it might be carrying electrical current. Stay away from it until you shut off electricity to the circuits affected. If you can't reach the breaker or fuse panel safely, have the power company shut off the electricity to your home.
- Once you stop the leak, move furniture and begin rescuing rugs and other valuables. If the water damage is serious, get your insurance agent involved right away and consider hiring a service that specializes in flood damage.
If the damage is minor, follow these steps:
- Use a mop or a wet-dry vac to clean up the water. If you opt for a vacuum, use a long hose and nozzle, keeping the machine and its cord away from the water to avoid a shock. Also use an outlet or extension cord that's protected with a ground-fault circuit interrupter.
- If the water is really deep, you might want to use an electric sump pump or gasoline-powered trash pump. If you use a gas-powered pump, set it outside and run the intake hose in through a window or door to avoid fumes.
- If sewage or gray water has leaked, stop using any toilets, baths, sinks, or appliances that drain into that line. And avoid any contact with spilled sewage. Wear rubber gloves and boots. When cleanup is done, thoroughly clean and disinfect the area and your tools with a store-bought disinfectant or a homemade solution of 1 part chlorine bleach to 9 parts water. If needed, apply a deodorizer, such as Exod or Outright.
- Once the water is gone, hang wet throw rugs and other movable items outside over a clothesline or sawhorse so they can air out without mildewing.
- Open windows and doors to let fresh air into the area that's wet. Run window, ceiling, and floor fans to increase air circulation. If you have a dehumidifier or air conditioner, use it to dry out and cool the area. This helps prevent mold, mildew, and fungus from growing.
- If water has seeped into wall cavities, remove the wallboard or paneling to a point well above the water line. This allows wet insulation to be removed and the cavities between wall studs to dry. Also remove any resilient flooring that water has penetrated so the wood subfloor can dry. Otherwise, trapped water can warp the subfloor as well as cause mildew.
- Carpeting and furniture that have been deeply soaked will probably have to be thrown away, especially if they've been contaminated with sewage.
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During a Power Outage
Fortunately, most blackouts last just long enough for you to enjoy a candlelight dinner. But in the wake of a violent storm or blizzard, it could be several days before the local utility gets power up and running again. Because there's no way of knowing how long the wait will be, assume the worst and prepare for a prolonged outage.
- Turn off most of the electrical devices that were running before the outage occurred. This makes it easier for power to be restored to the grid.
- If you have water pressure, fill containers for drinking and bathing. Fill the bathtub, too; you'll want plenty of water on hand if widespread power outages lead to a disruption in water service. If you have a private well system, save the water in the pressurized tank for drinking only — you won't be able to draw additional water until power is restored.
- If it's winter and your main source of heat is out, fire up the wood stove or fireplace if you have one. Never use a gas oven, unvented kerosene heater, or outdoor cooker for emergency heat. All three create toxic fumes.
- If you need to seek shelter elsewhere during cold weather, keep a steady trickle of water flowing from each faucet to keep the pipes from freezing.
- Open refrigerator and freezer doors only when necessary. Frozen food will stay below 40°F for up to three days, even in summer, if the door stays shut.
- If you use a generator for power, follow the manufacturer's instructions to avoid overloading the generator. Be sure extension cords are rated to handle the amperage draw of the tool or appliance you're powering. The thicker the cord and the lower its gauge rating, the better.
If the generator is connected directly to the house wiring, disconnect your house from the grid by turning off the main breaker or removing the main fuse. By disconnecting your home, you protect utility workers doing repairs from being shocked by power from your generator.
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After a Tree Falls
A raging storm has caused a tree limb to fall on your roof. Your first impulse is to climb up and check out the damage. But before you get the ladder, consider this: If something is heavy enough to damage asphalt and wood, think of what it can do to you.
Exercise good judgment when deciding whether or not to call in a professional. If you aren't used to working from a ladder or going up on a roof, opt for the pro. Also call one in if your roof is steeply pitched. (Stay off the roof if the pitch is more than 4:12.) Otherwise, to remove the fallen limb safely, follow these tips:
- Inspect the underside of the roof from the attic. If the plywood sheathing or rafters are damaged, call your insurance agent — and a pro. If water is leaking in, lay boards across the ceiling joists to create a steady platform. Then place buckets, pans, or plastic sheeting to catch the leak.
- If the sheathing and rafters are sound and the roof is dry, put on your nonskid shoes and go up on the roof.
- Always work above the fallen limb; if it shifts or rolls you'll be out of the way. And be sure the ground below you is clear.
- Use long-handled pruning shears to cut off small branches. Then cut the main limb away in manageable chunks with a bow saw. Remember, it's the weight and rocking action of the saw, rather than its pressure, that do the work. Tread lightly and work carefully to avoid causing any further damage.
- Don't use a chain saw while on the ladder or roof. Chain saws should never be used where footing isn't firm and slip-free.
- Once the limb is removed, inspect the shingles for damage. If you find any, keep water out with a temporary patch. That's what some homeowners in Florida did when Hurricane Andrew hit in 1992; their efforts minimized water damage from the torrential rains that followed.
To make a patch, cut a piece of aluminum flashing large enough to cover the damaged area and slip it up under the shingle course above. If roofing nails are in your way, remove them with a slotted pry bar or cut them off with a hacksaw blade. Keep the patch from slipping out by applying asphalt roofing cement to the area of the patch that slips beneath the undamaged shingles.
Plastic sheeting can also make an effective temporary patch — the thicker the better — though it must be secured on all four sides. The best way to hold the plastic in place is to run a continuous bead of asphalt roofing cement around the area to be patched, then press the sheet into place. Or, secure the sheeting by nailing furring strips around the edges, but only as a last resort, because driving in the nails means more holes in the roof.
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Free Advice and Insurance Information
After a disaster, even if it's a relatively minor one, it's nice to know that expert advice is just a phone call away. Here are some sources to contact:
The Institute of Inspection, Cleaning & Restoration Certification in Vancouver, Washington, maintains a nationwide list of professionals who specialize in carpet and upholstery cleaning, water-damage restoration, fire and smoke restoration, and odor control. You can call the organization to get the names of certified professionals in your area:.
The Institute of Inspection, Cleaning & Restoration Certification
2715 E. Mill Plain Blvd.
Vancouver, WA 98661
800-835-4624.
The Insurance Information Institute, an industry trade group, offers the free booklet, "Settling Insurance Claims After a Disaster." For a copy, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
The Insurance Information Institute
Publications Service Center
110 William St.
New York, NY 10038
212-669-9200
The National Crime Prevention Council, a clearinghouse for information on home security, offers the free brochures, "Lock Your Windows and Doors" and "Home Security: Invest In It Now." You can contact the council at:
1700 K St. NW
Washington, D.C. 20006-3817
202-466-6272
http://www.weprevent.org
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